Picking up my phone, I shoot Emery a text. Honestly, the other guys are probably up too. I know AJ hasn’t been sleeping, and neither has Edward, but Emery’s closer than AJ. Emery and I also click better than Edward and me.
ME: you up?
I have just enough time to brush my teeth before he responds.
Emery: Always… as of late
ME: My place?
Emery’s response is fast.
Emery: on my way.
It only takes about twenty minutes before there’s a knock on my door. Emery’s eyes are tired like mine and also rimmed in red. We clasp a hand together, pulling each other in for a hug.
“This is so fucked, man,” I tell Emery as we pull away from each other. I shut the door, pointing to my black leather sectional in the front room.
Emery takes a seat and rubs his hands down his sleepless face. “Want a beer?” I ask him, opening the fridge. He nods. Grabbing one for myself, too, I slam the caps on the edge of the counter, popping them open.
I hand Emery his while taking a swig of mine. “Beatrice will be here in the morning. I bought this.” I show Emery my backup phone. Since I know gramps can get into my phone records. I also bet money on it that he has my place wired and monitored.
Texting Emery, I tell him the rest of what I was going to say.
ME: I fucking dread her presence.
Emery: she’s a bitch
I can’t help but laugh. It’s true she is, and it’s funny to hear quiet Emery’s thoughts.
ME: promise you won’t leave me here with her.
Emery smiles.
Emery: promise.
We take a swallow of our beer, and Emery sends out another text.
Emery: I need to tell you something. I knew what happened to Cas. I should have told you guys. She never gave me names, but the things she confessed happened to her—keep me up at night. The guilt I feel for not saying anything is unbearable. This is my fault. Maybe if I would’ve told you guys, this wouldn’t have happened.
I shake my head. “No, you know she would have had your fucking head if she found out you told.”
Better that than gone. We don’t have to say the unspoken words hanging in the air.
Emery: she said after she was found, she was operated on. The doctors fixed what they could, but she was destroyed and can never have children.
I feel nausea ripple through me as I stare at the text.
ME: I can’t fuckin’ take it, man. The thought of having to act like everything is fine with my gramps makes my skin crawl. Let alone actually doing it.
Emery stares at me with such sorrow. I know he’s going through it as well.
Emery: I was so careful to not open up to people. For this exact reason, but I know, even knowing what I know now, there’s no way I could’ve resisted her. Every time I close my eyes, I see her face and all the things that could’ve been… that might—
Emery doesn’t finish the text, and he doesn’t have to. He’s worried he might never get to have those things with her. Meanwhile, I'm filled with anxiety, wondering if what we shared will ever be the same again. She thinks I sold her and the way I let Beatrice treat her... My throat constricts, overwhelmed by anguish.
We sip on our beers in silence, plotting our strategy. Our plan of attack.
AJ
I can’t sleep most nights, but after finding out Cas is gone, my insomnia has been a thousand times worse. Taking care of my younger sister and grandma has been harder than ever.
When I close my eyes, it’s Cas’ face I see. It feels like I failed, the same way I had with Trinity. My daughter. I don’t talk about her often or what happened. It’s not that I’m ashamed of her or that I was a young dad. Brittany got pregnant around her sixteenth birthday. I was only a year older than her, but we were having problems before Trinity was born, and after was worse.
We’d fight, and she’d go running back to her ex. He was mixed up in the gang life, rather he was born into it. The Horns do some crazy ass shit. Anyway, during one of their fights, my daughter was in the car. She was only six months old. I don’t know how many times I argued with Bri not to take our daughter anywhere with her ex.
Unfortunately, she didn’t listen. I was with Ash when I got the call that both Bri and Trinity had been fatally shot. Still, to this day, I know if Ash hadn’t been with me, I would’ve killed myself. I’ll carry the guilt of my daughter’s death until the day I die. Bri, of course, I’m sad for her but she made her decision and unfortunately, she also made our daughter’s.
The thought of what could be happening to Cas, whether she’s still okay or barely hanging in there is hard to deal with. My stomach rolls as I pace my room. I feel the walls closing in on me. My chest tightens. I cover my head with my hands and tilt my head backward, trying to take in deep breaths, but the more I attempt to, the less I'm able to.
Francesco is a sick sonuvabitch. I’ve always hated him but stealing young boys and young girls to sell them off for men’s pleasure—that’s a form of evil that shouldn’t be allowed on this earth.
Coke calls to me and would help me deal right now, but I know that will only make matters worse. I need to stay focused.
I’ll send Ash a text instead.
Me: you up?
Ash: yeah, I’m up. Emery is with me.
Me: I’m heading your way.
Kissing my grams on the cheek, I send a text to my cousin letting her know I need her to come give grandma her medicine and make sure she’s fed. My sister is old enough to feed herself, but I don’t want to put the responsibility of taking care of grams alone on her.
Making my way down the hallway, I stare at our family pictures. Some of them are crooked. I avoid looking at the picture of my parents, unable to handle any more heartbreak. That’s a story for another day.
Grabbing my keys, I slip on my leather coat and hop into my truck. I remember to send a text to Leo and let him know I won’t be able to help him in the shop for a few days. My dream is to one day open my own mechanic shop. I’d call it Grinding Gears Repairs. But I can’t think about that now. Turning up the radio, I try to drown out my thoughts, but it’s no use, at the top of everything is Cas.
Edward
S eated on top of the headstone with the angel sculpture, I try to ease my restlessness, but I don't think I can or will until Cas is back in my arms. I feel closest to her here.
I can see her exactly how she was on Halloween night. Throwing her head back with laughter and dancing around. I’ve never been much for relationships. It’s hard connecting with someone, but Cas was different.
That day in the cafeteria, when she walked up to my table, I wasn’t expecting her to address me. But when she looked straight into my eyes, I could feel my whole life change. My entire being shifted.
Images of us in the janitor’s closet come back to me. They’re painful. It feels hopeless. What frightens me is a thought I’d rather not entertain. What if I never get to do that with her again?
This is a terrible thing to admit, but I might as well be honest—I haven’t thought about my dad much. Not that I don’t love him, but he stopped caring for us after pre-K, pretty much. So, I’ve been detached from him for way longer than just a couple of months.