Ivy wrote the letter ten days after Mia was born. Ten days was all it took for her to know she had made a mistake. She went to the office after hours, took a stamped envelope and a sheet of white paper, and sat down at Joel’s desk. She had been assigned to working in the office, where she helped with bill payments. I trust you, Joel had told her when he handed her the key. Evangeline had looked on, displeased, and that was when Ivy realized that Evangeline wanted Joel for herself. Take him, Ivy wished she could say. Take it all.
She had been thinking about the letter all day, and it was now fully formed in her mind. For the first time she knew exactly what she wanted to say, whether or not she was allowed.
Dear Helen,
Should my daughter ever come to you and wish to know what happened, please give her this letter. Maybe it’s not too late for her to understand that she always belonged to me.
When Ivy finished writing, she addressed the envelope and slipped it into the outbox, along with the bills. In the morning it would go out with the other mail, and no one would notice that it had no return address, and that the envelope was damp, as if someone had been crying, as if they’d put their heart and soul into a letter that might never reach its intended recipient, a child who was now asleep in her crib, watched over by the women who worked in the nursery while her mother went to stand outside to look through the window.
Once upon a time, Ivy whispered into the cold March air, I loved you more than anything. I loved you more than life itself.
* * *
THE WEDDING WAS HELD in the field, on the first day of June. It was a simple affair, pure of spirit and of deed. People said Ivy was lucky, they said she was the chosen one. The entire community formed a circle in the grass during the ceremony and there was a canopy of oak leaves tacked to a newly made wooden arch for the bride and groom to stand beneath.
Ivy wore a dress made by the sewing circle. They’d crafted their own pattern, then had worked on the dress until their fingers bled. The other women envied her, for Ivy was so beautiful; it was said that she’d grown up spoiled and rich and then she had just waltzed in and snatched up Joel, when so many of them had longed to be his. All the same, a wedding was a joyous occasion, and the long-sleeved white shift the women had stitched would be worn for years afterward, altered to fit every bride to come.
Evangeline held baby Mia, who at the age of three months was wide-eyed and silent. There were torches set into the ground, and as the sky grew darker, the rustic lamps were lit, globes of light that shone like stars. The heavens were above them, the earth was below, but here on the farm, human virtue and love were all that mattered. Ivy carried a bouquet of pale roses tied with brown string. No photographs were taken, that would have been sheer vanity, but those in attendance remembered what a beautiful bride Ivy had been. On this day, she wore her hair unbraided, falling down her back. Joel was waiting for her at the altar, a broad smile on his face.
You have come here to leave your old family behind, and start anew, Joel always said at Sunday meetings. That’s what they were doing now. The bride and groom held hands in the field where the grass was so tall some of the children who were quietly standing there couldn’t even be seen. It was as if they had disappeared into the gray light of evening. It was as if magic was possible here.
Tim Hardy, Evangeline’s husband, wore a black suit, a size too big, and he held one hand on his heart as he spoke. Ivy and Joel repeated the blessing he gave them. Joel’s grasp was strong and tight, and he didn’t take his eyes off her.
Be true and I will be true to you. Be loyal and you will have my loyalty forever more. A woman should always honor her husband, and he will protect her in return.
Ivy felt something hot behind her eyes. In a moment she was blinking back tears, but who wouldn’t be emotional on her wedding day? Despite the joy of the occasion, she felt like tramping through the woods to hide behind the fallen trees covered with pale green lichen. She wondered if Helen had read the letter, and if someone would come and save her from her own impetuous decisions, but it was a silly thought, they didn’t even know where she was, so she remained there beside Joel. The idea of moving on from here seemed too far-fetched to achieve. She had no education, no money, no friends on the outside, no family, no profession, no assistance, no faith, no suitcase, no bus ticket, no other home, no one to help with her baby.
Ivy realized the white dress was stained green at the hem from standing in the grass. It would have to be taken to the laundry and bleached. She thought it was likely that nothing lasted. It occurred to her that everything that seemed good had indeed been too good to be true. Tonight, there would be fireflies in the meadow and before long she would be in Joel’s bed. She would belong to someone who vowed he would never betray her. Wasn’t that enough?
Joel kissed her beneath the canopy of leaves. Wedding rings were a vanity. Honeymoons were unheard of. This was more, this was everything, a commitment for all eternity. There was silence in the field as they pledged themselves to one another. The only sound was made by little Mia, who let out a cry. But Evangeline covered the baby’s mouth with her hand to quiet her and when she did three birds flew across the pale sky. One for the present, one for the future, one for the past.
Ivy thought of the first day her father had taken her to the Athenaeum, only a few blocks from their house, one of the oldest private libraries in the country, whose members had included Ralph Waldo Emerson, Louisa May Alcott, John Quincy Adams, and Nathaniel Hawthorne. He told her she could go there any time she wanted, and she’d spent countless rainy afternoons there in an old armchair, engrossed in one of the novels she loved. She had started with fairy tales and then kept on going until she reached Wuthering Heights. Reading is never wasted time, Ivy’s father had told her. She wished he were standing beside her now, but he would have ruined everything. Wake up, he would have said. What are you doing here? What sort of world is a world without books? I’m looking for safety, she would have told him. I’m looking for stars in the night sky, hope where there is none. She wished he hadn’t slapped her when she told him the truth. She had always been a daddy’s girl, and he’d put up with a lot of bad behavior, but she didn’t have a father anymore. She was Joel’s girl now.
Standing there, Ivy told herself it made sense that reading wasn’t allowed. There was so much work to be done at the Community there was little time for anything else. She stopped her foolish thoughts that went against the rules. Life was different here. It had been ever since she’d gotten off the bus with Kayla and walked up to the farm, although Kayla had been unhappy all winter. One day they’d walked into town with a group of other young women to see the Tree of Life bloom, an apple tree that was thick with blossoms as snowflakes whirled through the sky. Afterward, Kayla had come up to Ivy in the fields and quietly said, “Do you think you’re the only one? You don’t even know him.”
Kayla had walked away with a triumphant grin on her face, for she’d intended to hurt Ivy and make her wonder, and she’d been successful.
They stayed away from one another after that. Kayla had been in trouble, and the trouble grew worse. It was said she’d stolen food from the kitchen, that she disobeyed and sat idly by rather than work. Joel announced that she had been breaking the rules of morality. Kayla had an M branded onto her arm as part of her punishment, and she’d been placed in isolation, locked in the barn. When she was let out, she had a haunted look, especially when Ivy was around. “This place isn’t any different than anywhere else,” Kayla whispered when they worked together in the field. She didn’t sound brash anymore; as a matter of fact, she appeared to be shattered. “He gets to do as he pleases, and I’m left with the burden.”