I don’t know what I expected as his reply, but that definitely wasn’t it. For some reason, I thought he’d make fun of me since he’s a bit of a jerk. Or maybe I wanted him to make fun of me so I wouldn’t feel this freaked out about these thoughts.
I pause, thinking about my reply.
Reina-Ellis: It’s a different type of jump.
Cloud003: Don’t.
Reina-Ellis: Don’t?
Cloud003: You’re my slut, remember? You don’t get to end your life.
Reina-Ellis: I told you I’m no longer your slut.
Cloud003: I never agreed to that.
Reina-Ellis: Doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do.
Cloud003: What do you look forward to when you wake up in the morning?
My fingers hover over the screen as I read his reply. I…never thought of that.
Reina-Ellis: Nothing.
Cloud003: That’s the problem. You need a purpose.
Reina-Ellis: I don’t have one.
Cloud003: Yes, you do—being my slut, remember?
Reina-Ellis: *rolls eyes*
Cloud003: Fine. Let’s think of another purpose aside from that. How about cheerleading? Your friends? Your family?
No. They’re fun, but they’re not necessarily things I look forward to doing every day.
Then it hits me like nothing before and I type the word as fast as I can.
Reina-Ellis: Redemption.
Cloud003: Redemption?
Reina-Ellis: Yeah, ever since I realized what type of person I was in the past, I wake up every day thinking about ways to fix it.
That’s why I’ve been feeling down. Since I learned my redemption hit a solid wall with Asher, I lost the purpose and the need to continue.
I lost the will to live.
He’s the one I wanted to atone to the most, and when I realized nothing I do will work on him, I just pulled into myself and allowed the gloomy cloud in.
It takes several seconds for his reply to come through.
Cloud003: Why?
Reina-Ellis: What do you mean by why?
Cloud003: Why is redemption important to you?
Reina-Ellis: Because I’m not Old Reina anymore. I don’t know what I am or where I’m going from here, but I know I don’t enjoy hurting people. It’s just not me.
Cloud003: What if those you hurt don’t forgive you?
My broken heart continues dying a slow death at the reminder of Asher. He certainly would never forgive me. His perception of me is loud and clear.
Reina-Ellis: Then at least I tried.
An epiphany hits me.
I tried.
If I don’t try, how will I know Asher won’t forgive me? Maybe I can change his perception or prove him wrong.
Old or New Reina would never hurt someone they considered a friend. It just doesn’t work that way in my brain.
I never hurt Bree in the past and she’s a bitch, so that should mean something.
A knock sounds on the door and I startle, nearly dropping the phone.
“Open up, Rei!” Naomi’s voice hollers from outside. “I brought my tools. I can pick this lock.”
“Stop it, Nao.” Lucy’s soft voice reprimands her before she addresses me. “Are you okay, Captain? Do you need anything? I just want you to know we’re here for you, okay? Come out whenever you’re ready.”
“Yeah, campus is so boring without you or whatever,” Naomi grumbles.
My insides expand at her words, and a full-body shudder takes over me.
Did you hear that, dark thoughts?
They care.
My feet move of their own volition as I stumble from the bed and nearly fall as the sheet wraps around my legs. I kick it off and approach the door like a scared kitten.
The click is loud in the silent room as I open the door, just the slightest bit, enough for my head to peek out. The light from the hallway blinds me and I squint, trying to adjust.
Naomi and Lucy stand there, both carrying their school bags.
“Hi,” I whisper in a hoarse voice that doesn’t resemble my own.
I must look like shit. My makeup must be smeared, my hair is in complete disarray, and my clothes are rumpled.
If they notice that, they don’t comment. Lucy grins, her cheeks moving with the motion. Naomi straight-out kicks the door open and barges inside like it’s her house.
“Chop-chop!” She snaps her fingers. “You need to shower stat, and we’re getting out of this torture chamber.”
“I’m so glad you opened up for us, Rei.” Lucy engulfs me in a hug, and I fight the urge to sob as I wrap my arms around her.
I didn’t know how much I needed their company, their presence, until this moment.
From now on, I won’t allow that cloud to catch me all alone. It’ll just swallow me alive and release a corpse.
Naomi pushes me toward the bathroom, declaring that I’m a grown-ass adult who should shower on her own.
I grin as she huffs and helps me by fumbling through my clothes to find me something to wear.
“Where are we going?” I ask as I come out of the shower with a towel wrapped around me and another around my hair.
Lucy is searching through the makeup as Naomi throws me a camisole and dark jeans. “Anywhere downtown.”
“Not The Grill,” Lucy says.
“What’s that?” I ask as I dry my hair.
“A restaurant.” Lucy takes the hair towel away. “Nao hates it.”
“I don’t hate it.” She throws her hands in the air. “Actually, let’s go there.”
Lucy bites her lower lip. “Are you sure? Sebastian will be there.”
“Fuck that asshole,” she grumbles.
“Sideways,” I add as I pull my hair up in a chignon. “Do you really hate him?”
Naomi’s eyes nearly bug out. “Is that a trick question?”
“I thought…forget about it.”
“No, what? Say it.”
“I don’t know. I thought there was something between you two. You act tough, but well, you watch him.”
“I do not.”
“Uh-huh.” I grab the camisole and pull it over my head.
Naomi’s expression turns to one of pure contempt. “Like you watch Asher?”
My chest squeezes and the good mood I’ve been in since they appeared nearly disappears. “This isn’t about him.”
“Yeah, right.” Naomi flips her hair.
“We’re just an illusion, like Lucy said.” I flop in front of the mirror and stare at my eyes. They’re becoming lifeless, like the somber depths of an ocean.
“That was before.” Lucy clutches my shoulders from behind, looking at me through the mirror. “You guys are different now. You make me want to film your life.”
“No, we’re not.”
“Uh-huh.” Naomi throws the pants at my head and Lucy catches them. “Is that why he called us and asked us to check on you?”
My eyes widen as I face them. “He…he did that?”
Lucy’s smile is soft and dreamy. “He sounded worried, too. I need an Asher in my life.”
This can’t be true.
Wait—is this another one of his games?