I entered my house, which was completely dark because my mother was currently working the night shift at her second job. Like usual, the feeling of loneliness crept in, but I tried to ignore it.
My mother had two jobs and the most erratic schedule. She worked as a shop clerk in a fast-food restaurant during the day and as a motel receptionist during the night. She rarely had days off, and when she had them, she preferred to spend her time in bars, satisfying her alcoholic urges and pursuing a new man to spend her time with.
I turned on the light in the hallway and pushed the wet bangs that had been stuck to my forehead to the side, taking my long hair out of my messy ponytail. I didn’t need to look myself in the mirror to know that currently, I wasn’t an attractive sight as the sweat slid down high cheekbones and sharp jawline onto my T-shirt. I could say I was average-looking, even when I wasn’t a mess. I wasn’t ugly, but at times, I wished I was prettier.
I remembered a compliment Kayden had given me once. He’d said I usually looked like a tomboy, but when I tried to relax and let the happiness show on my face, I transformed into a true beauty. He’d particularly liked my dimples and the way my eyes squinted whenever I laughed.
I had a pretty smile, but I smiled rarely. It became so unnatural for me to smile spontaneously. Usually, I used the smile to cover my real feelings and look tougher than I was, so the pretense ruined the real purpose of smiling for me.
I climbed the stairs and entered my room, ready to take a shower. I turned on the lights and started taking off my clothes. My room was small and had cheap furniture, but it was my sanctuary. It was the place where I could be myself without pretending I was someone I wasn’t or thinking others might judge me.
My drawings and sketches were plastered all over my walls, injecting life to my space, while the piles of papers with the ideas for my next drawings were strewn across my desk. It was a complete chaos, but it was my chaos, and I was proud of it. It fueled my inspiration to keep drawing; it was a constant source of new ideas.
I started drawing toys at the age of five. At the age of eight I experimented with watercolor paints and depicted nature. When I was twelve, I gained interest in people, and I went all out to sketch all the details and add a sense of depth using various techniques. Last year, after I created my Instagram art account, I decided to challenge myself and start making digital paintings. I saved my allowances and bought a graphic tablet—my best investment and most precious thing.
I took off my sports bra and panties and threw them on a pile of dirty clothes on my floor, getting naked.
The continuous sounds of camera shutter tore through the silent air, sparking a sudden surge of panic in my chest.
I jerked my head up to look through my open window. What I saw before me chilled me to the bone.
Hayden was leaning against an open window of his room, which was directly across from mine with only twenty feet separating us. He’d raised his hand with an iPhone and aimed it at me. His eyes were as unreadable as ever as he continued to take shots of me naked.
I screamed, dashing toward the light switch, and turned it off. I bolted out of my room and shut the door behind me. I leaned against it, closing my eyes, hoping that the last few seconds had just been my crazy imagination. The warm tears spilled out onto my cheeks, followed by sickness that consumed me.
My heart felt like it was going to burst, my breathing becoming more irregular. How could I be so stupid, thinking I could finally raise those window blinds and do whatever I wanted without the risk of him seeing me?
I’d kept those blinds closed for years because our rooms were across from each other, having learned my lesson the hard way when Hayden got the idea to spy on me from his room the first time. I convinced my mother to get the blinds for my room and installed them the next day. They had been closed ever since.
I’d been so sure he wouldn’t be here until our first day of school, so sure I would have my freedom for one more week, but it was a grave mistake. Hayden returned, and now he had nude pictures of me.
Oh God, what was he going to do now?
I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed as I stood glued to my door, afraid to enter the room and sneak over to my closet so I could get my clothes. I decided it would be best to take a shower and use my bathrobe to cover myself. Then I could close those blinds and hide from him.
Showering didn’t help me feel any less tense since the nausea-inducing thoughts of those photos were plaguing my mind. The reality of what had happened hit me eventually, and terror gripped my insides. He was sick for even thinking about taking them. What was he going to do with them? Post them online? Submit them to porn websites?
I stepped out of the shower, trying to suppress the anxiety attack. I had to calm down. There had to be some solution. He wouldn’t share them just like that, would he?
Oh, come on Sarah! Of course he would! He was the guy who had promised me hell, hurting me in so many ways. He wouldn’t stop. He would only step up his game.
I finally took some courage and entered my room, managing to win a fight against my anxiety and breathe evenly. I bolted to the wall next to my window and hid behind it, peeking through the window. I tried to see if he was still there, but I couldn’t spot him. His room was completely dark.
Did I imagine that? Maybe I’d finally lost it and nothing actually happened? I stole another peek, but I couldn’t see him anymore. I closed my blinds swiftly and turned on my desk lamp.
Why did he have to come back early? Why did he have to see that? If only I hadn’t opened those stupid blinds. If only I hadn’t undressed myself completely, the light in my room making me more visible. If only I hadn’t switched that light on...
It had always been like this with Hayden. So many “whys” and “what ifs” whenever he hurt me. I’d always blamed myself. If I wasn’t so weak and incapable of taking care of myself nothing would have happened to me, right? If only I weren’t so detestable... If only I could change so people would finally start liking me...
If only Hayden didn’t hate me...
No, don’t go there, Sarah. That exact thought leads you along the most painful path and you don’t want to go there.
I noticed the flashing notification on my age-old LG smartphone, signaling I’d received a message. Nobody sent me messages except my mother, and she rarely texted me during her night shift.
Imbued with sudden fear, I unlocked my phone. A bolt of ache hit my chest when I noticed a text from an unknown number.
I drew a deep breath that did nothing to assuage my increasing anxiety and opened it.
“I think you might want to reconsider following my orders. Remember what I told you. YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE. Either you’ll be an obedient puppet, or I’ll upload your nudes everywhere and ruin you completely.”
Chapter 2
THREE YEARS AGO
For as long as I could remember, school was a living hell for me. My classmates started bullying me in elementary school and nothing changed in junior high. Whichever school I went to, people disliked me and found me an easy target. I was a child with a single mother, coming from a poor family, and I wore clothes from thrift stores. No matter how much I tried to make them like me, being friendly and helping them whenever they needed help, it wasn’t enough. I was just being used.
It was like someone put a sign on me saying “Made to be Bullied.”