“Why aren’t you wearing the bracelet?” Mateo asked me from across our table. I glanced at my naked wrist, confused as to why I’d forgotten to wear it.
“I forgot. I’m sorry,” I said with a small smile, noticing a look of hurt that briefly shadowed his face. “I see you’re wearing my gift. Or rather, I can smell it.” I was referring to the cologne I gave him for our one month anniversary. His previous cologne wasn’t to my taste, so I bought this one, which had a leathery fragrance.
I took his hand in mine, and his warmth seeped into my cold hand. He half-smiled, the dimple in his right cheek making an appearance. A few girls openly ogled him, which was no wonder since Mateo Diaz was super attractive. His dark hair fell in curls around the face that was adorned by a chiseled jaw and sharp cheekbones many guys would be jealous of.
I had some classes with a few of those girls, who were probably curious as to why such a gorgeous guy would be with me—a plain Jane weirdo.
I certainly didn’t look anything special, even though I was on a date. I was clueless about fashion and terrible at putting on makeup. Mel had tried teaching me, spending hours applying her foundations, eye pencils, and eyeshadows on me in front of a mirror, but it was pointless. My hands always trembled when I tried to do it myself, which was odd because I was a good artist, but I couldn’t put one simple line on my eyelids.
That was why I didn’t bother wearing makeup, even when I was with Mateo. I tried wearing nice clothes, though, following Jess and Mel’s suggestions, and I tried doing something with my wavy hair that reached my mid-back, taming it with a flat iron, but it was far from extraordinary.
Mateo noticed me watching those girls, and he placed his hand against my cheek, making me look at him. “Hey. I know what you’re thinking now. Don’t. You’re so pretty.”
I blushed, which was a usual occurrence whenever he complimented me. Even after one month, I couldn’t get used to receiving compliments from him. “Thank you. How do you always know what I’m thinking? You have some powerful mind-reading ability.”
He surprised me when he grew serious. “It’s not so powerful. If it was, I’d be able to know why you have that Band-Aid on your forehead.”
I gnawed at my bottom lip and glanced away, removing my hand from his. “I told you, I bent to pick up something from the floor, and I hit the edge of—”
“Yeah, I’ve already memorized the story you told me, so you don’t have to repeat it. I just don’t know why you’re lying to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“You are lying. You always blush when you do.”
Like he’d pressed a button, heat surged into my cheeks. “I blush all the time.”
“That’s true, but I learned to recognize why.”
My fingers reached out to play with the fries on my plate. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was never able to admit to him that I couldn’t truly be myself in front of him. I just wanted everything to be perfect between us, and I took extra care not to ruin our relationship or his image of me, but I was aware I did the same thing I’d done with Kayden. I’d never been fully honest with Kay, afraid he would think I was a loser if he knew how truly unpopular or unloved I was.
Bullying felt like a proof that there was definitely something wrong with me, like I was born with a mistake. If I told others I was bullied, they could see me as faulty and decide I wasn’t worth their time. I was so ashamed that I hadn’t been able to voice my most honest and deepest thoughts to Kayden. To some extent, he knew other students bullied me, and he tried to stop it whenever he witnessed it or heard about it, but he couldn’t have been everywhere or protect me 24/7. He was never aware of just how much Hayden hated me.
I knew, I really knew I should be braver and more open with people, but the walls I’d built a long time ago were too thick and tall. I preferred to stay safe and closed than be open and vulnerable.
Unfortunately, staying safe meant hurting others, and I recognized the sadness in Mateo’s eyes because I wasn’t completely honest with him.
I sighed. “I was knocked with my locker door.”
Mateo frowned. “What?”
I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I ripped the fries on my plate to pieces. “My ex-friend, Christine, decided it would be a good idea to hit me with my locker door.”
He took a hold of my hands, stopping my nervous movements. “Is this the first time she’s done something like that?”
I stared at the mess I’d made on my plate, catching my lip between my teeth. I didn’t feel better after confessing this. I felt ashamed. “No. We go back a long way. It’s complicated.”
“I’m pretty sure I can handle it. Tell me.”
“I can’t, okay?” I didn’t want to talk about this now. We were supposed to have fun, not talk about such a depressing topic.
“Come on. You know you can tell me everything. Look at me.” He tried to catch my chin, but I brushed his hand away.
“Please, Mateo. Give me some time and space.”
His brows furrowed even further, and he leaned away from me. “Really, Sarah? I’ve been giving you time and space all this time. I was patient and took it slow with you because I didn’t want to push you, but you’re still keeping me at a distance. You’re not being fair.”
I felt like he’d slapped me. I couldn’t believe what he’d just said. “So you've had enough already? You’ve already decided I was too much of a hassle? We’re only been together for one month, Mateo. I was bullied for almost ten years! I don’t trust people. I can’t. How can I trust them so easily when I got used to a long pattern of betrayal and hurt?”
“So you don’t trust me either?”
I looked away. I could already hear the hushed whispers of a few people around us who heard our argument, and I hated discussing something so private at a public place.
I tucked my hair behind my ear. “I’m trying my best to trust you. You’re my first boyfriend, so I need time to get used to sharing my feelings.”
This admission instigated another wave of shame that crashed over me, and the pressure in my chest built up as I waited for his answer. He didn’t say anything at first, and I almost expected him to tell me I was too much to handle and break up with me.
But then his lips curved into a faint smile. “I’m sorry,” he said and caught my hand. “I’m also trying my best to understand you. You were hurt badly in the past, so I have to be patient.”
Why did that sound like he couldn’t really understand me? Then again, how could he? He’d never been bullied. He was a popular guy everyone loved. He was the captain of Rawenwood High football team and a real girl magnet, always surrounded by family and friends. We were complete opposites in that aspect. Up until now, I hadn’t been able to experience normal teenage life, so this attempt at normality wasn’t easy for me.
I sighed. “I’m sorry too. I know I’m difficult, and you’re always so sweet.”
He leaned in and kissed me, his lips lingering on mine before he pulled back. “You’re even sweeter. I don’t need sugar when I have you.”
I returned his smile, appreciating that he was trying to ease the atmosphere between us. “Yeah, but I doubt you’d be able to resist ordering your favorite pineapple empanadas.”