I rolled my eyes and burst out laughing. She was already drunk, like Jessica and me, and more childish than usual.
I looked at them and felt a huge wave of gratitude. I loved spending time with Mel and Jess and acting like a normal teenager. It helped me forget about the problems in my life. It made me stronger and less anxious about the future. Life wasn’t only about the darkness and pain, and I could finally relax and focus on the positive things that had eluded me for so long.
Almost three months ago I didn’t have anyone by my side, but now I had Mateo, Jess, and Mel, and they were amazing. We were getting to know each other more each day, and I was becoming more comfortable around them.
They helped me believe in myself, which I struggled with even now. Sadly, my self-esteem and self-respect couldn’t be developed that easily or quickly. I still distrusted people. I still had many scars, but I refused to be negative about them. I wanted to believe I would heal one day. I wanted to believe life had much more to offer me.
Kayden would be so happy to see me now, and he would definitely like my friends. He would say something like, “What did I tell you, dummy? You aren’t as much of a weirdo as you thought, and you can do much better than you think.” He’d always believed in me, no matter what.
“Well, it’s normal he’s all romantic now. They celebrated their one-month anniversary yesterday,” Jess said and downed her can.
One month. I smiled at the thought. I remembered the cute bracelet I’d left on my desk, which he’d given me last night. It had small, heart-shaped charms of different sizes attached to the chain, and it was cute, just like him. Mateo Diaz was always thoughtful.
I couldn’t believe I was dating him. Even when he asked me out on our first date, I had a feeling we would be over quickly, but here we were, celebrating a one-month anniversary. For some people, one month wasn’t a big deal, but for me, who had never had a boyfriend before, this was huge, especially because of the way everything had started...
A few threads of an old, dark web caught me, and my smile dropped.
“What’s wrong?” Jessica asked, noticing the change in me.
I tugged my hair and tightened my ponytail, which was one of the things I did when I was nervous. “Nothing. It’s my turn to spin the bottle, right?” I said and spun the bottle.
Almost two months had passed since I pushed Hayden Black away. Two months since I bled in anguish in that hospital room, having told him I didn’t care about him. Two months since I learned in the most painful way he’d loved me...
The bottle stopped on Jessica. “Truth or dare?” I asked her.
“Truth,” she said without hesitation.
“Would you kiss Steven?”
Melissa grimaced at me. “Eww! That’s my brother you’re talking about!”
I shrugged my shoulder. “What? Nobody said this game was fair.”
Jess giggled. “Nope. No offense, Mel, but kissing your brother would be like kissing a snail. Wet and gross.”
Melissa’s grimace deepened. “Stop. Let’s not talk about my brother, ‘kay? I don’t want to throw up my dinner.” She took large gulps of her beer.
“If you keep drinking like that, you’ll throw up anyway,” I teased.
She burped. “Noted, mom.”
Jessica spun the bottle, but I wasn’t able to focus on the game anymore. I finished my beer, and Melissa handed me another can. My drunkenness couldn’t prevent me from returning to those painful memories of Hayden. It was always like that—once I started thinking about him, I couldn’t stop. His kisses and touches were carved deep in my mind, often replaying like a broken record.
I’d hurt us both, and despite trying my best to focus solely on Mateo, there were moments when my thoughts betrayed me. I’d thought time would cure everything, but after two months I wasn’t so sure anymore. I liked Mateo, I really did, but that wasn’t love. It couldn’t be, because I’d stupidly given my heart to a person who had been my long time bully—to a person who had saved my life and grew to love me...
He definitely didn’t love me anymore. I destroyed that when I rejected him.
“Truth or dare?” Jess’s voice brought me back from my gloomy thoughts, and I saw the bottle had stopped on me.
“Truth.”
“Who kisses better? Mateo or Hayden?”
My breathing faltered at her unexpected question. Melissa glared at her with a snarl. “Really? Of all the stupid questions, you had to ask the stupidest one.”
Jessica arched her brows. “Why not? I want to know.”
“Well, I don’t. I don’t care about that motherfucker or the way he kisses.” Her voice was filled with venom, but that wasn’t surprising. Melissa had disliked Hayden from the start, and even more after she learned about all the despicable things he’d done to me. She could never understand why I loved him.
Mel was supportive of my relationship with Mateo, and she was sure I would forget Hayden sooner or later. Jess, on the other hand, understood the way I felt, and always told me to follow my heart. I was conflicted. I wanted to make the right choices, but my inner voice that claimed being separated from Hayden was wrong was becoming louder.
I didn’t want to hurt Mateo. He was the kind of guy every girl would want, and he treated me like an angel. He made me happy, and I wanted to make him happy too, but there was a part of me that knew it was unfair of me to be with him when I had feelings for someone else. The guilt taunted me every now and then, but I quenched it each time, always hoping I would manage to forget Hayden.
I couldn’t be with Hayden, especially now when we were more distanced from each other than ever. I still didn’t know how to feel about his abuse. I was torn between forgiveness and resentment. The memories of everything he’d done for me, the night in the hospital when he told me about his feelings, and his fight with Josh were blended together, but even if I forgave him, Hayden wouldn’t be with me. The tables had turned, and it was Hayden who stayed away now, ignoring me whenever our paths crossed.
The answer to Jess’s question was clear, but I didn’t want to say anything that could rile Melissa up.
“Okay, I’ll change the question,” Jess said. “What’s the size of Mateo’s penis?”
Melissa and I gaped at her and then cracked up. Jessica was like a different person when she was drunk.
“I’m sorry, but the answer to this question remains a mystery even to me.”
“So you guys definitely didn’t do it?” Mel asked me for what seemed like the hundredth time.
“As I already told you so many times before, no, we didn’t do it.”
“But you must have looked at his crotch sometimes,” Jessica persisted. “Or even felt it? You can surely guess.”
This instantly reminded me of the way Hayden felt on top of me in my room. I’d lost myself in pleasure he gave me then, in that world filled with addictive, breathtaking sensations and frenzy that erased every trace of reason.
I blushed, imagining sex with Hayden, not for the first time, because my twisted mind liked to play with me. Luckily, I could pretend my blush had everything to do with Mateo’s penis and nothing to do with the guy who made me feel all those mixed emotions.
“And how could I guess, Jess? I’m not a ‘penis measurer.’ The next time I see Mateo I’ll kindly ask him to pull down his underwear and let me measure him for your records.”